a couple weeks ago, i picked up the current issue of the international herald tribune in the frankfurt airport. as i leafed through, a headline caught my eye. “2008 – a year to forget”, it read. yeah, economic crisis. i guess that would make it a year to forget for those who put their faith in the stock market, and, i suppose, in the capitalist system. but when i look back on it, 2008 was a pretty good year. you know… as years go. i survived all my AP exams (way back in may; it feels like another lifetime) and a month later i finished high school as valedictorian. i got into college, unlike some of my peers, and ended up in los angeles after spending the summer researching carbon nanotubes in a government lab. and my first semester of college has gone luminously. i get along with all my suitemates (bar issues about the temperature at which the thermostat should be kept) and had great classes. and i have reached nerd-vana: my GPA is currently a 4.0. hard to beat. los angeles has grown on me since i arrived. i found a wonderful church family, and i found fashion district. and now i am home for christmas in my second country, glancing at my new passport on my bedside table. the Lord’s hand has been in this year, as in every year. no year should be a year to forget.
and still i wonder… so much has happened in the past year, but how much has changed? and i’m not just talking about “who needs change; barack obama is going to be president!”, i’m talking about change within myself. look out, new year’s introspection is barrelling towards your mind faster than the new year itself. i am still a rather shy but snarky individual, albeit i grow better at controlling my words daily. i’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse. it makes me quieter around people i don’t know because i know myself well enough to realize that i will probably offend someone, should i choose to speak. and, i generally have nothing of importance to say. it’s strange, how i constantly have so many thoughts but rarely deem them worthy of expression. either i have high standards for what should be expressed, or i don’t like expressing things. probably the former, although, i could argue both to a degree. i don’t know if i want to change either. i think the change i need would be in the form of more thoughts meriting expression. then i could be less quiet.
in reflection on the past year, i realize that four people in my life have died. that’s an awful lot. vlad, brewster, ken clarke, and jess’s mom. it reminds me of my own mortality. sometimes i wonder at the doublethink* that we exercise in preparing manically for the future while simultaneously being conscious that our next breath is anything but guaranteed.
time barrels on like a runaway train. (ben folds)
*see george orwell’s 1984.
