i guess, it’s been a while since i took one hard look at myself and made the solid decision that i would not do any drugs, nor would i drink any alcohol, regardless of the pressure. and i haven’t touched anything weird since (caffeine, by the way, is not a drug. thought i should clarify that.). so yeah, straightedge.

i was just thinking about why people drink, why people do drugs. in fact, it’s the same reason as why people demand entertainment. they don’t want to face reality. what is it about reality that makes the facing it so hard? i don’t drink. i don’t smoke up. i don’t inject anything. needles give me the creeps and i hate getting vaccinations, and that fact is completely irrelevant. but i don’t face reality either, and i only realize it in the quiet moments. this summer has been hectic; the scarcity of posts here is a testament to that. i’m working, always with luke and dad and just doing something. it doesn’t matter what. on the metro, i’ve got my ipod or my newspaper or, as i had today, my book, 1984 by george orwell. i’ve read it before; it’s actually one of my favorite books. but i don’t take quiet time anymore. i have something to read, all the time. and on saturday, and earlier this evening, there were moments in which i had nothing to do and that freaked me out. it’s the silence between hearing the gunshot and the scream and turning around to see the man lying there, blood spreading across his clothes like spilled water across a tablecloth. but red water. it’s that silence, because you’ve just heard the harbinger and you feel uneasy like next he’s gonna shoot you too.

so my media are my alcohol. my music, my art, my literature. i get drunk on those and they invade my thoughts to veil reality’s ugly face, because we’re all jacob, fallen for one thing and we think we’ve got it until we lift the veil and it’s not what we wanted, and we have to work another seven years. i guess, if we’re working for something that is truly and genuinely worthwhile, we won’t feel the seven years. we just have to discern. it’s so easy to say and so hard to do. it’s funny that i get drunk on my media, because i’ve been trying to kill the artist in me this summer. maybe that’s why i haven’t posted here as much. in any case, i’ve been trying to put that part of me in packing crates and nail them shut, because i don’t want to remember the artist that i know i’m leaving behind.

we can’t afford four years of college and i know it. lucky for us, then, that i got 5’s on all the important ap exams and a 4 on studio art. that gives me 28 units of college credit already and i haven’t even registered for classes. so i’m going to try to do my double major, physics and computer science, in three years. the photography minor was a nice idea, while it lasted. then reality came and… well, if you listen closely, you can just hear the echoes of its scream.